An Open Letter To The "Breast Is Best" Agenda

Hello there. It’s been awhile. I had a lot of processing to do over the last year. I’ve collected my thoughts enough to decide how I feel about you.

You probably don’t realize, but you made me feel like a failure. I know - that wasn’t your intention. You just wanted to let me know about the best thing for my baby. You’ve done your research, I’ll give you that. I’ve read “the science,” too. I was compelled by what you had to say.

I’ve also read in some places that the benefits are exaggerated. I believe you mean well. You want moms everywhere to know that breastfeeding has too many advantages to overlook them.

No doubt there are benefits, but are they overstated like some say? Breastfeeding was important to me, but I could only produce about 10-15 ounces of milk for 5 months until it dried up. My son was mostly formula fed. He’s a walking, chattering, wildly curious toddler now. He met some milestones early, and he’s been very healthy.

I see you everywhere. I hear about you everywhere. Even before my son was born, I knew what you expected of me. Your name was so widely and easily used that I naturally assumed we’d be associated with you. In conversations about you, I’d also hear phrases like,

“Most moms give up too soon.”

“Any mom can breastfeed.”

“Babies are meant to breastfeed.”

“Saying you couldn’t breastfeed because ______ is an excuse.”

But I didn’t realize that this natural system of sustaining life can go as sideways as the rest of the world.

• Some moms have lactation failure due to Insufficient Glandular Tissue, crucial hormone imbalances, previous injury, or postpartum hemorrhage.

• Some moms need treatment for Postpartum Depression, an autoimmune disorder, or another threatening illness which prevents them from breastfeeding because medication cannot be passed through their milk.

• Some moms go to extraordinary lengths to breastfeed and still can’t solve their baby’s latching issues, intraoral restrictions, or swallow dysfunction.

• Some moms have none of the above but still struggle with low milk supply and scramble for illegal medications to increase their prolactin levels because they need breast milk in order to breastfeed.

I didn’t know all of that before I had my baby. Did you?

I’m not sure if you’re aware and it’s just too nuanced to address all these situations, or if you realize that the force of your campaign has unintentionally caused moms to suffer. Self-doubt. Guilt. Disappointment. Shame. Failure. Grief. They all affect a mom’s mental health, which in turn impacts her view of breastfeeding. She’s been told in every way that breastfeeding is best for her baby. Yet she finds herself asking, “What’s the best I can do in these circumstances?”

I don’t think it’s an issue of resilience, right? I’ve heard stories of moms nearly starving their babies by accident or instruction because they were trying so hard to breastfeed! Personally, I was near depression from all the pain and lack of breastfeeding victories.

You know, I felt defeated and gracious at the same time because I really don’t think you saw this coming. I think you actually don’t talk about all the hardships because you don’t want to scare moms. Unfortunately, the struggling feels like a dirty little secret. In trying to mitigate fear, you made very real limitations feel shameful.

I think it would help to acknowledge a couple realities.

First, moms don’t always get the best or most appropriate support. How do you fix a problem if most people assume there isn’t one? If breastfeeding is the greatest public health policy of all time, then breastfeeding should have the greatest support resources of all time. The praxis should back the policy. In real life application, there’s a lot of thumbs upping and “you can do it” and “don’t give up,” when practically, moms aren’t always given the proper tools and care.

Second, even with the best support available, some moms can’t make breastfeeding work. I know you want to encourage as many moms as possible to breastfeed, but I’m considering the ones who specifically need to know that their struggle is normal, they are not alone in it, and it’s okay if their best looks different. Not every mom can or should breastfeed.

Listen, I appreciate you. I do. I believe that your goal is to create a more healthy society. And I don’t think you’ll find many moms arguing against breast milk as the most natural source of nutrition. I also believe you wouldn’t encourage us to do something unless you thought we could do it.

It’s just that we’re not getting the full scope of experiences. We’re led to believe that not breastfeeding means not giving our best.

I mean, it’s gone a little overboard, right? Can I say that? Like I was worried for my baby’s health when I couldn’t breastfeed. And that’s not healthy for me, right? I’d like to think you’re just as concerned about my health as you are about my baby’s. After all, the first rule of taking care of someone else is that you have to first take care of yourself.

Do you know how I ended up feeding my baby?

I nestled him against my body and ran my finger over his eyelashes.

I studied the movement of his squishy cheeks and wrinkled nose.

I took mental snapshots of his fingers and toes, knowing they would be bigger than mine in no time at all.

I caressed the top of his head with my hand.

I closed my eyes and thanked God for him.

I asked God to protect him and make him healthy.

And I cried because the joy and fear of having this little person was overwhelming.

I watched as he closed his eyes in peace when I gave him a bottle. It was how I wanted him to look when he breastfed - rather than irritated, anxious, and unsatisfied. I could see a difference in him. I thought about all the messages I’d heard about breastfeeding, and it made me cry.

But it also made me realize: maybe it’s not “breast is best” or “fed is best.” It’s nuanced and hard and all okay at the same time. Maybe it’s simply said, Breast is best, but fed is better.

I’d like to give breastfeeding another go if I have more babies in the future. But if it doesn’t work again, I’m better equipped to handle it this time. I’ve learned that letting go is not the same as giving up, that choosing to be healthy for your baby is doing what’s best for them, and that my success as a mom is not measured in milk but in love.